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AUTOMATIC BLOWJOB MACHINE

I hate it that my girlfriend chokes on my dick every time she gives me head. It's either that or she scrapes the skin off at the bone with her teeth. I also despise having to apologize for the size of my shlong or for how long it takes me to get off. I can't help it that I've got the penis of a Shetland pony and the stamina of a prized racehorse. Does that mean I have to spend the rest of my life not enjoying a decent oral O-face? No, it doesn't, because the wonderful world of sex toys now includes automatic BJ machines galore. Take one of those things to your properly lubed-up wiener and it's lights out on your sexual frustrations. You can even tailor the sleeve textures and depths on some of these toys, plus they all have different speeds and intensity levels to explore as well. I haven't broken up with my girlfriend yet, but if she pulls her shit one more time, I'll replace her with my new toy.


COMMERCIAL PLASTIC PUSSY

The best piece of advice I can give you as a purely perverted and routinely sexually active adult is this: Invest in a fake pussy like you do in a real one. Synthetic vaginas not only last longer but they're usually customizable too. I really enjoy pumping and dumping inside Jenteel's molded twat. Although it's pretty costly I happen to think it's well worth the dough. The main drawback is that it constantly needs cleaned, and real vaginas usually have a woman behind the wheel to take care of those things. But hey, with great power comes even greater responsibility, right? I love banging her tight snatch on my bed or wedging it between the mattress and box spring so I can get off while on my knees. And honestly, cleanup doesn't take that long. It's just that I'd prefer to fall asleep after cumming and I can't do that all the time anymore. Either way, you can forget the rest when try the best.


FIFI FANTASY

In prison I learned how to make a fifi out of the materials I had available in my cell (which wasn't much). You take an old sock and wrap one of your least favorite towels around it. Then, you get a rubber glove (preferable latex-free) and stuff one of the fingers down into the hole you just created. Once that's done you can wrap the extra part of the glove around the towel and secure it with tape or a rubber band. In the slammer we call them fifis, but on the outside we call them our girlfriends. You can use a condom too if you're fresh out of rubber gloves by the way.


BEAT WITH FEET

I wouldn't say I have an intense fetish for feet, but I will admit to enjoying a good foot-job from time to time. Get you a partner with awesome arches and it's game on. Have them get a pedicure first though so you don't have to deal with corns or bunions. Lube up really good and then have them jerk you off just like they would with their bare hands. It's a completely different kind of sensations and it gets me off every single time.


GRAPEFRUIT RENDEZVOUS

I got a grapefruit from the local grocery store in attempt to start eating healthier but I ended up fucking it instead. I couldn't help myself. As soon as I cut into the skin and those juices started flowing, I had to know what it felt like. Hell, even the inside of the fruit looks a little bit like a beat-up snatch, but I didn't realize that until just before I inserted my dick into it. I stuck the grapefruit inside my refrigerator for about an hour before the next round and it was even more amazing. Just don't get a small one and be sure to cut the hole nice and deep so you can get a good, full stroke. The good thing is that you don't need any lube and you can throw all the evidence away when you're done.


HEADPHONE HEAVEN

You know those really big Koss headphones with the leather strap to make them fit your head comfortably? Well, they're pretty expensive so I wasn't about to throw them away when they broke. I got curious with the leather strip; I'm not afraid to admit it. Turns out, that thing works great as a masturbator, especially if you put the soft side against your dick. It works with lube or no lube too, plus it feels super sensational and is an instant money saver. Now that's the kind of upcycling they should be putting on Pinterest.


LATEX SLEEVE

I like to use the latex rubber sleeves I buy from my local XXX store. I discovered them off of a list of the top masturbators for men. The end that gets put around your dick looks like a human pussy – lips, wrinkles, everything. The hole expands when you insert yourself inside of it, which means the entire experience involves a special kind a tightness that simply can't be matched by the real thing. My dick head pops out of the end when I'm stroking, so it's extra arousing when I'm in the mood to watch the action happen. Most of them have small ridges on the inside; those really get me going. I also like to stick something up my ass like a butt plug or prostate massager when I beef the jerky with one of these things. I absolutely love to cum, so I'm always looking for the “ultimate” orgasm. I flog the dolphin three times a day most days, and these little bastards always have my best interest in mind.


LUBED TUBE

Take some lube up slather (and I mean slather) your cock really good. Then, get one of those sliding gel-filled tubes with the hole in the middle and slide it over your dick. You know what I'm talking about; kids use them as toys and they sometimes have little trinkets inside as decoration. Anyway, spank your monkey like it owes you money and enjoy the cooling sensations created by the fluid-filled material.


PILLOW FORT

Grab a couple pillows from around the house, but make sure you don't want to keep them nice because they'll be destroyed after this. I simply fold mine in half and then jerk off with it while wearing a texturized condom. It allows me to preserve the integrity of my pillows (most of the time) and encourages me to ejaculate fully without unnecessary inhibitions. I sometimes stuff the pillow into the space between the cushions on my couch to ensure the proper angle and to improve upon the stability of my homemade masturbator. Whatever works, right?


SHOWER SEX

This isn't your average shower sex scene. In this one, you actually utilize the water pressure to your benefit. Here, you remove the showerhead from its base (if you can) and direct the streams of water to wherever you desire the most – your dick, your balls, your undercarriage, your asshole, whatever. If you can't remove the showerhead, switch the waterflow from there to the faucet and then lay down on your back in the tub. Let the water wash over your fun zone until it makes you jizz in the most relaxing and natural way I can think of right now.

 


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